I woke at 4am with my friend anxiety speeding up my heart rate and making me sweat before my mind could even process what she was saying. School. First day of school. First day of what will be a loooong year of feeling the weight of responsibility for the mental, physical, emotional, spiritual well-being of my kids, and feeling that weight 24/7. I’m not ready for this. I’ve done the planning. It’s going to be a really easy day academically speaking. But I’m not ready for the battle that started before I was even aware it was happening.
This is why I call anxiety my friend. Because when I feel my heart racing and my palms sweating and my thoughts swirling out of control I have a very physical reminder that I need God. I am actually living in reality for a minute: this is life if you think you can do it on your own. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
But with God all things are possible, so I let my friend anxiety take me to Jesus. I begin my school year with this one day. I don’t have tomorrow or all of the other days yet. I just have today. And today I read Psalm 50. Today I read that God wants me to offer a sacrifice of Thanksgiving (for school, for my children, for the things that keep me on my knees even though I don’t like them), call upon Him in the day of trouble (and today will have trouble because this is a broken world, with a broken mom and children trying to do life together in very close proximity), and He will deliver me (because I am in Christ which means though sin remains, there is grace more powerful to cover and enable me and my children to do life together today), and I will glorify Him (because I know that when I fail, He forgives; and when I succeed, He has enabled). (verses 14, 15)
I really do hope someday to have faith great enough that anxiety is no longer my “friend”. Oh how I long to wake up with thoughts of God’s greatness, not my inadequacy. Until that day happens, I want to remember that racing heart and racing thoughts mean I need to race to Jesus and set my hope on Him.