…I entered the blogosphere. Here is the first post I ever wrote:
Sleep Deprivation Preceeds Sweet Desperation
I have chronic insomnia. The last two nights it has been worse than usual because of a sick child. He wakes up, wakes me up. He falls back to sleep. I stay awake. In these wee hours of morning I am prone to irrational anxiety over everything from, “do my kids brush their teeth enough?” to guilt over not teaching my daughter letter recognition. The last two nights of insomnia included legitimate concern for my son, but with the added irrational fear that 2 am brings.
I would love to say that I spent the time in prayer. My husband’s great granny used to pray when she had insomnia. He remembers her saying, “God provided extra opportunity to pray last night.” That was it. No complaining. No droning on about how tired she was. Well…I remembered great granny’s example in the middle of the night. I tried to pray. It lasted 30 seconds. I tried again. When morning finally came I was too tired to have my regular prayer time or Bible reading.
All of this leads to the second part of my little story: sweet desperation. I homeschool my twin second graders and first grader (he’s the sick one). I also have a three year old daughter. When I came down to greet them this morning, I just thought, “I can’t do this today.” I was desperate for God’s grace to help me. I barely prayed for it, but God answered.
It wasn’t pretty at all times. I had to ask forgiveness numerous times throughout the school-day. But we did every subject, and I did most of the housework planned for the morning. I know to most people this might not seem like a huge demonstration of grace. But if you knew my tendencies toward complaining, laziness, and self-pity you would say with me, “Wow God! You really showed Your power today!”
The sweetest grace of all was the brief time I spent with Him after school while the kids were in the basement playing. In His goodness He provided the right reading material, a book by John Piper called, Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ. I have read it before, but what a sweet reminder: “We were made to know and treasure the glory of God above all things; and when we trade that treasure for images, everything is disordered.” Because I am weaker than usual today, in my brain, in my body, even emotionally, I believe my heart was softer and ready to receive this word from God.
Sleep deprivation is humbling. What a reminder of the difference between me and God. I go short a few hours of sleep and I am foggy, irritable, and tired (of course). But God does not sleep or slumber. He has no need of rest. He is the glorious One. It is not sleep that will make all seem well with my world, it’s treasuring His glory.
When did you enter blogland?