Burden Builder #2: comparison…again!

There are many moms experiencing a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety over their feelings for one of their children. We dearly love our kids, but maybe you have a problem child. Maybe you have a socially awkward child. Maybe you have a child who is just like you or not like you at all, but for whatever reason, compared to his or her siblings, this kiddo makes your life more difficult. We as moms, especially as christian moms, would have a very difficult time admitting to ourselves let alone anyone else that we resent one of our own children. If I could, I’d pour you a cup of coffee, sit across the table from you and remind you that for sinful moms, love never really comes naturally. In God’s common, restraining grace, He has given moms a maternal instinct that connects us to our babies as if they were our own hearts walking around outside of our bodies (i can’t remember who i stole that description from, but isn’t it perfect?). And yet, though we know we would not think twice about dying for any of our children, the day in day out loving them – especially when they are being difficult to love –  is not natural because of sin, ours and theirs. And if you were sitting across from me at my dining room table I would tell you that this child is perhaps your greatest blessing because he or she is actually keeping you in reality about yourself and your need for Jesus. Anything…anyone who turns you to Christ in desperation is an ultimate source of tremendous blessing.

If you haven’t had a chance to, read some of the conversations in the comment box. You can feel free to ask questions there as well… I have lots of wise ladies who will comment, or write a post of their own.

Just a consideration… if you have a difficult child I would want you to have a safe place to share your struggle. This is not that place. You could speak in generalities here, but don’t forget to protect your kiddo’s reputation. I know most of you gals, and these sentences are probably completely unnecessary, but just in case, I want to say be careful with your details!

Burden Builder #2: Comparison part b

Anyone who doesn’t think women are as competitive as men has never been to a preschool playgroup. We already talked yesterday about our ranking system with one another, but we have another ranking system with regard to our children. Are they normal? Are they bright? Are they godly? Are they winsome? Do they fit in? Are they leaders? Are they followers? These are important questions to ask ourselves, actually. We need to be evaluating where our children are doing well and where they need to grow. It’s part of our role in raising them. But when that desire to be discerning morphs into disappointment, fear, or discouragement over where you think your child should be by comparing with others, an unnecessary weight of burden grows, and as a result your children may not feel like the blessing they are.

I did this when my kids were little. How do they compare with newborn development milestones? (Holding their heads up, rolling over, putting hands together, sleeping through the night.)Where did my toddlers rate on the willing eater chart? How well did I train them to share toys, obey me, take a nap? How much t.v. and video time does my child watch compared to other children? Potty training? Public restaurant behavior?  There are sooooo many areas in which I compared my poor children. And with the comparison my flimsy joy would rise and fall.

I did this a lot with homeschooling. Its a whole new field for comparison! I remember talking to another mom about what her son would read and think that my sons were so far behind by comparison. (Just even the fact that her son would choose to read for leisure would make me cringe when I think of the manipulation tactics I have always had to use to get mine to sit with a book!) Or,  I remember seeing my daughter’s spelling in a note she wrote to a friend and there was a twinge of pain because I happened to know what an amazing speller (reader, and all around good student) this little friend was.

I do this now with spiritual maturity. I love the fact that our youth group has so many godly young men and women, but I can look at my sons and think they are doing pretty well, but not as well as so and so. I wish they would be less in bondage to fear of man and more bold to lead in godliness like some of the other boys.

The problem in my comparing isn’t that I’m seeing areas in my children’s lives that could use attention. I wanted my toddlers to eat well, get potty trained, and be relatively well-behaved in public. I still want to help my children grow in their love of reading. I want my daughter to learn to spell better. I want my sons to be godly leaders among their peers. The problem is that if I compare my kids with other people’s kids, I often miss the blessing of seeing the grace of God already at work in my own children’s lives.

I miss that while my boys don’t like to sit for an hour and read, they do like to be with people and socialize. None of them would prefer to be home with a book instead of with people. I think that is a blessing!

I miss that while my daughter was having trouble spelling, she wanted to write a note to encourage her friend. Maggie is very much inclined to write encouragement notes. Who cares about the spelling?! What a blessing.

I miss that while my boys are still finding their way among new friends, they have grown in their walk with the Lord in many ways. They are serving at church and reading their Bibles. They are surrounded by godly role models that make it “cool” to be serious about their walk with the Lord. What a blessing!

So be careful, moms not to compare in a way that robs you of the joy in your own children. Isn’t it amazing that God is at work in the littlest lives? Take time to think through the areas that you may think your children don’t stack up and see if there is a different blessing to be noticed in them. I am sure you will find what you are looking for!

I’m going to stop here. I’m still not finished with the topic of comparison, though. I think one more day but next time dealing with comparing our children to one another. In the meantime, I’d love to hear in the comments about where you tend to compare your children. How do you change your perspective about your kiddos when you’re tempted to be discouraged with slow progress in an area? Are their ways you can prepare yourself before a situation of comparing occurs (like before play group, co-op, youth group, parent/teacher conference, etc.), as well as after a situation of comparing occurs?

If you haven’t noticed, the comment box has been full of really great wisdom on these topics. It’s worth clicking in just to see what some of my wise and godly friends are saying about these topics.

 

Burden Builder #1: Misplaced Priorities

Yesterday I started a series about how we as Christian moms can cultivate the biblical perspective found in Psalm 127:

^{Psalm 127: 3} Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children^[a] of one’s youth.
⁵ Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Before we begin to cultivate this heart that views children as a reward, inheritance, and  blessing from God, let’s think about what makes us view our children as burdens and inconveniences. There are so many factors that can contribute to this perspective, but three came to mind when I considered my own life and history as a mom. Today, I want to talk about the first one: Misplaced priorities.

During times when my overarching feeling toward my children is that they are a burden, I can almost always step back and see that my priorities are out of whack. Generally, this means I have probably been overly ambitious in what I can accomplish during the current season of motherhood. What makes this hard to detect at times is the things that I’m trying to accomplish are usually good. Maybe I’m having more hospitality. Maybe I’m writing more. Maybe I’m trying to sell things on Craigslist to make a little vacation money. These are all good things, but if I start to notice that I am too tired or irritable to enjoy my kids, then I need to look at the list again and start re-aligning my priorities so my husband and children get the best of my energy and effort.

One helpful illustration a pastor gave was about his friend who was accustomed to running on a treadmill for exercise. His friend noticed one week that he wasn’t able to get to the same distance as easily lately. At the end of the week, he realized that the treadmill had been set at a .5 degree incline. It was just .5 degrees, but it made a huge difference in what he was able to accomplish. I think life for moms is full of .5 inclines. Maybe it’s a sick child, a teething baby, a husband working long hours, a head cold, any little thing that sets the normal pace of life at a bit of an incline. Are you feeling burdened lately by what used to feel routine? Maybe there’s a .5 incline that needs to be accommodated. You may want to make life easier somewhere else for that temporary season so that you save energy for your little “blessings”.

In the past, I would look at videos from my early years with the kids and cringe. There’s the video of the boys in the bath tub with the black mold ring around the perimeter. There’s one where they are dancing and in the background there’s a pile of unfolded laundry on the chair. Every piece of furniture was handed down. Not a picture graced my walls. My hair was in a chronic pony tail. My uniform, sweatpants and Jason’s shirt. I used to look at those videos and think, “wow! were ever in survival mode!!!” And we were. But after thinking through this concept of looking at priorities I am now re-thinking those videos. They represent my (of course, inconsistent) effort to keep my priorities right. I didn’t have time or energy to decorate the house, do my hair and makeup, go to the library for mommy and me (oh my gosh, the idea of that with 3 boys under 3 makes me have palpitations even now!), or even bleach the moldy caulk in my bathtub. But we were finding time to laugh at their naked, chubby, soap covered bodies. We found time to play freeze dance. And eventually…I found time to upgrade my wardrobe to include jeans. So, if your house isn’t as clean as you’d like, or your clothing isn’t as fashionable as you’d like, or you’re not able to do pre-school basketball at the YMCA, be encouraged! You may not just be in survival mode. You may be living by your priorities!

Gospel Connection:

You know what is amazing? Jesus had .5 inclines in life here on earth! That is such good news for moms for at least two reasons. First, the creator of the universe, the all-powerful One humbled Himself and became a man who was tired, hungry, and thirsty, so that he could truly understand human frailty as our sympathetic, Great High Priest.

Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Because of Jesus, we have access to the throne of grace and can find help in our time of need. We are more aware of that need when life is at an incline. Let’s run to him for forgiveness if we have been viewing the blessings He gave us as burdens and inconveniences. Let’s run to Him for wisdom to know what needs to stay, and what we can let go of for right now. Let’s run to Him for extra strength every day, and especially on those days when the energy seemed to wear out at noon.

The second reason Jesus’ humanity is such good news for us is that He was in every respect tempted as we are, yet without sin. Jesus was dealing with seeming interruptions, antagonistic pharisees, demanding crowds, and slow-learning disciples, yet He never sinned. He perfectly obeyed the will of the Father. And what is amazing is that His record of perfect obedience has been credited to us who have placed saving faith in Him. So whether you viewed your children as the blessing they are, or whether you succumbed to the temptation to view them as burdens, your righteousness is found in the perfect performance of Another. Thank You, Jesus!

So what about you? What are the .5 inclines in your life? Where have you made accommodations to keep your priorities straight? How can you bring the truth of the incarnation, that God became a man and dwelled among us, to bear on your life today?

I really would love to hear from you. Please make this a discussion. Let’s take it to the comment box, shall we?

 

Trending now: #gospel-centered

Are you on twitter? I am. ( _jazzhands_ if you want to follow me.)  There are topics that trend on twitter all of the time. Today the trends so far are:

• #mysuperpowerwouldbe
• #thatsmydad
• #imhappiestwhen
• Marvins Room
• Twitter
• Pandora
• Friday
• Facebook
• Drake

It could seem as though being gospel-centered is trending in Christianity right now. Have you noticed how many books are being written on being gospel-centered? There have been conferences on gospel-centered living. Blogs devoted to being gospel-centered. Many, even popular, worship songs centered on the gospel. Other more articulate bloggers have written about this gospel-centeredness that is impacting Christianity. The whole gospel-centered thing is big these days!

I know that when I use a word like trending there is cynicism hiding in the italics. I want to say at the outset, that I am not cynical about this surge of gospel-centeredness in reformed Christian circles today. I am so grateful! God has poured out His Spirit on the church and the Spirit loves to reveal the Savior who is at the center of the gospel.With this wonderful focus on being gospel-centered, I want to step back and see why the gospel should be at the center of my life (my worship, my marriage, my parenting, my growth in godliness, my interpretation of scripture, my affections, etc.).

When something seems to be a trend, it is easy to casually adapt the right “look”, maybe with good intentions, but with no real conviction. That’s why the “trending now” feature changes everyday on twitter. Trends aren’t embraced as serious, or captivating so people move on to the next thing. I am guilty of this with trying to be gospel-centered. I grow overly familiar with the truth so my heart is unaffected and I move on. But the gospel isn’t trending. The gospel is the ultimate event of all time – before time and to eternity, even!  I just happen to either recognize it as such, or wander from it towards other things that may be trending.

So, largely for my own benefit – because I constantly need to be reminded, but also for anyone else who wants to come with me, I want to write a few posts about why the gospel must be at the center of my life, not just a passing trend. I mentioned before that I think my flesh and the devil conspire together to obscure the gospel, or keep me satisfied with having it function as a mere trend in my life. I want to fight against that and writing about what I am reading, listening to, talking with friends about helps keep this beautiful reality, that Jesus came to save hell-bound sinners like me, at the center of my mind, my heart, and my life.

Bandwagons Aren’t Bad

I mentioned that I am slower to get on certain bandwagons these days. This isn’t to say that I’m not on any bandwagons. I am.

1. The beauty of biblical femininity

2. The gospel’s relevance to the daily life of a Christian woman

3. Men should never wear skinny jeans. ever.

There are women I respect who have wonderful bandwagons. I think most bandwagons in the Christian Mommy Blogosphere are well-intended. Many of the mommy blogs have a specialization because these capable gals are using their blog to make money through advertisers and product reviews, or they are gaining exposure in hopes of publishing material. It makes sense that a blog on frugality would have tons of posts about how the author saves money on her grocery bill. If she isn’t passionate, enthusiastic, and persuasive about being frugal, her blog isn’t going to be very successful.

I also think bandwagon blogs are a wonderful outlet for sharing God-given gifts and talents. Are you good at decorating? Cooking? Creative parenting? Writing? By all means, share. Do you have special training in prenatal care, health and nutrition, educational techniques? By all means, share. Are you learning how to be frugal, eat healthy, run a marathon? Please share.What a wonderful inspiration to see God’s grace displayed with variety and beauty through the gifts, talents, and efforts of Christian women from all over the country.

It is so wonderful to read about how Christian women who are excited about  expressions of biblical womanhood. Where this can go wrong is when we assign moral value to practices that aren’t clearly commanded or prohibited in scripture. One danger is that we can feel unnecessary guilt when we aren’t able to live by a certain practice. Another danger is we can look down on others who don’t adopt our same practice. Those dangers are two sides of the coin of self righteousness.  Either danger keeps us from humbly appreciating the work of God in each others’ lives.

I want to get on the bandwagon that loves to encourage other ladies, especially young moms, in their often-very-hidden pursuit of God and His will for them.  I want to be able to point out subtleties of grace that a young mom may not see in her own life while her house is a mess and she serves PBJ’s for dinner, again. I also want to be challenged by the bandwagoneers in areas where God may be calling me to grow. It is wonderfully humbling to see another woman doing what I cannot do because I am not as godly, gifted, or capable; but it is also good to be inspired to try harder or try something new that may be a good fit for me and my family in the season of life we are in. So while I don’t think I’ll be raising my own chickens, clipping coupons, or having the children memorize Westminster Catechism this year, I will be inspired as I see the grace and beauty of the One who is at work to will and to do for His good pleasure (Phil 2:13) in the lives of Christian women everywhere.

 

Raking Leaves Reyes Style

I Need To See The Cross

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MOMentum is a feature on my blog that attempts to connect the power of the gospel to the mom experience.

“I need to see the cross!” was the emphatic statement of my two-and-a-half year old son, Caleb. No, he wasn’t some sort of theological savant. He had a morbid obsession with the cartoon picture of Jesus dying on the cross in his Bible story book.  He wanted me to find that picture for him.

Caleb does need to see the cross. He needs to see it as something done for him. He needs to see it as something done by him. All of my kids need to see this. And I need to see this as well.

I have a tendency to want to race past the cross on my way to the throne of grace. I can zoom my kids past the cross as well when I’m walking them through correction. We identify the sin, pray for forgiveness, and ask for grace to change. We even include a “thank you for dying on the cross for my sins” part to our prayer. But still, I can neglect directing their attention to the cost of such lavish grace in their lives. I want to think of ways to show them the cross, not just in the moment of correction, but outside of those moments.

Is this morbid like Caleb’s toddler infatuation with a picture in his storybook? I don’t think so.  I think seeing the cross will keep us from taking our sins lightly because we see what our sin deserves at the cross. I think seeing the cross will help protect us from blaming others for our sins because at the cross Jesus took our blame.  I think seeing the cross will protect us from condemnation as we see our guilt and shame being completely taken by Jesus on the cross. I think seeing the cross will keep us humble as we see the sinless, holy One hanging there in our place. I think seeing the cross will reveal the love of God for us, and in turn we will love Him more.

I long for the day when my children will say on their own, “I need to see the cross.” Until that day comes, and even after, I want to lead them to the throne of grace, but on our way, stop and consider the means by which we enjoy such lavish forgiveness and grace: the cross of Jesus Christ.

Now we see Jesus brought before the priests and rulers, who pronounce him guilty; God himself imputes our sins to him, “the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all;” “He was made sin for us;” and, as the substitute for our guilt, bearing our sin upon his shoulders, represented by the cross; we see the great Scapegoat led away by the appointed officers of justice. Beloved, can you feel assured that he carried your sin? As you look at the cross upon his shoulders, does it represent your sin? There is one way by which you can tell whether he carried your sin or not. Have you laid your hand upon his head, confessed your sin, and trusted in him? Then your sin lies not on you; it has all been transferred by blessed imputation to Christ, and he bears it on his shoulder as a load heavier than the cross.

“Let not the picture vanish till you have rejoiced in your own deliverance, and adored the loving Redeemer upon whom your iniquities were laid.”
(Charles Spurgeon)

Honoring My Mom

I – along with my sibs – had an opportunity to honor my mom over at the Sovereign Grace Pastor’s Wives Blog. You can read the tribute right here.

Good Stuff

I am thoroughly enjoying:

The Shepherd Press blog series by Jay Younts on Ephesians 3:14-21.

Part One: Parenting and the Wonder of Christ

Part Two: The Wonder of Christ in You

Part Three: The Wonder of Christ: More Than a Wall Plaque

Part Four: The Wonder of Christ: Immeasurably More

I’m also loving, and heartily “amen-ing” the Girl Talk posts this week for single ladies. I especially enjoyed:

Become a Theologian

Use This Time

School of the Word

Help the Men

And finally, I thoroughly enjoyed a teaching my mom recommended last week from Mark Driscoll’s series on the Song of Solomon (The Peasant Princess). Believe it or not, this teaching was outstanding for gospel centered parenting. It is the last teaching in the series (the only one I’ve listened to so far) called Doors and Walls . Scroll down on the Mars Hill web page to downloads if you just want to listen to the audio.

Because It Doesn’t Look Like Poetry

Yesterday I posted a little poem about the truly sacred place where many moms discipline their kiddies, the bathroom. Truth is, disciplining a child doesn’t usually look so “poetic”.  At least not in my house, which is why I didn’t use the first person in my poem.

The poem was actually inspired by a difficult week that included more discipline than usual. I was growing weary. I was growing weary in my battles with my own heart to just want to manipulate their behavior, or to judge them self-righteously, to grow impatient, to give in to anger. I was growing weary with their resistance to correction, their repeated infractions after corrections, their trying to manipulate me. Poetry? no. not at all.

But at one point when one of my twins was doing what we do (sometimes this is hard fought for on both our parts), hug while he prays in repentance, the Holy Spirit helped open my eyes to the beauty of the moment. This boy is getting so big. I won’t be so intimately involved with his process of repentance. I will one day really miss the somewhat robotic, but childlike faith-filled prayers he prays with his arms around my neck. I marveled, for a moment, at the privilege I have every day to bring my little ones – who aren’t so little anymore – to the throne of grace. And it just struck me as funny that this process also happens on a “throne” in the bathroom.