My Friend’s .5 Incline

The other day I wrote about .5 treadmill inclines. (You can read about what that is right here here.) My friend in real life, Briana, took the time to write about two of her recurring “inclines” and how she tries to accommodate for them. She is honest and practical, so hop on over if you want some ideas and inspiration for how another mother adjusts life in a season of “incline”. Go here for her post.

Also, if this series is inspiring you as a fellow blogger, I’d love to link to other people who are thinking of how to keep that biblical perspective that children are an inheritance, reward, and blessing.

Burden builder #2: Comparison

Over the last few days I have been writing about ways Christian moms can cultivate that biblical perspective from Psalm 127 that declares children to be a heritage, a blessing, and a reward.  How do I view my children? Sometimes I view them as a wonderful blessing. Other times I view them as difficult burdens. What contributes to that latter feeling? Yesterday, we talked about how misplaced priorities can make us tired, stressed, and less able to view the kiddos as the blessings they are. Today, I want to talke about that all-too-common joy-stealer: comparison.

Mom to Mom Comparisons

We’ve all heard about “man points”. Men earn and lose man points with their acts of masculinity or femininity. The female equivalent is an elaborate ranking system. The categories are exhaustive: beauty, health, style, mothering, wife-ing, personality, home decor, nutrition, cooking, talent, and the list goes on. When a woman enters the room with other women, this ranking system begins. It’s not so much that we are looking to see who is the best (although maybe I’m wrong), it’s more that we want to see where we are in the ranking. Am I normal? Am I doing this ok? What are the others around me doing? The ranking system in motherhood brings it to a whole new level.

If there is anything we want to do well, it’s mothering, right? We are now responsible for the lives of little ones that we love passionately. We want to get ideas from other moms, and we want to see if we are doing ok. The problem is that this can build a burden we can’t possibly carry. Maybe our friend excels in creative activities for her kids. Maybe another girl is really into feeding her children only organic food. Another is training to run the half marathon…while pushing her double jogging stroller! What makes this even more of a challenge is cyber space and social networking. I’m going to be honest with you, if facebook and blogging was around when I had littles, I’m sure I would have had a nervous breakdown. Status updates like: today I woke up at 5am, ran 5 miles, taught my 5 year old latin, made 5 freezer meals for the week, and planned a hot date with my super handsome thoughtful hubby… just not helpful. Seriously, if you are a young mom and you are vulnerable to this feeling of not measuring up as a mama, step away from the facebook. The problem with comparisons via the internet is that they are never fair. You really cannot know what else is going on in the person’s life because they only publish what they want you to know.

What makes mothering more of a burden than a blessing (I know that’s slightly different from the original topic) is when we compare ourselves with others, decide we should be able to do more, and then when we can’t we are overwhelmed, exhausted, irritable (insert your adjective here). My suggestion to you is to step back, talk to your husband, and see if there are areas where you have been influenced by comparisons with other moms instead of using your own God-given strengths and abilities to be your children’s mama. This may not be your time for teaching latin, running the marathon, or making all three meals from products you have grown in your garden. That’s okay. Far more important is that you love your children and view them as the blessing they really are.

I don’t have time today, so tomorrow (Lord willing) I will write about how comparing our children to other children (either siblings or other people’s kids) can rob us of that blessing, heritage, and reward perspective. Hopefully, I can tie it up with a gospel perspective. In the meantime: Do you compare? With real friends, cyber friends, or both? How can we rejoice with others’ strengths instead of feel immediately like we are failing? How does the gospel relate to our tendency as women to compare ourselves to one another?

 

Burden Builder #1: Misplaced Priorities

Yesterday I started a series about how we as Christian moms can cultivate the biblical perspective found in Psalm 127:

^{Psalm 127: 3} Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
⁴ Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children^[a] of one’s youth.
⁵ Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Before we begin to cultivate this heart that views children as a reward, inheritance, and  blessing from God, let’s think about what makes us view our children as burdens and inconveniences. There are so many factors that can contribute to this perspective, but three came to mind when I considered my own life and history as a mom. Today, I want to talk about the first one: Misplaced priorities.

During times when my overarching feeling toward my children is that they are a burden, I can almost always step back and see that my priorities are out of whack. Generally, this means I have probably been overly ambitious in what I can accomplish during the current season of motherhood. What makes this hard to detect at times is the things that I’m trying to accomplish are usually good. Maybe I’m having more hospitality. Maybe I’m writing more. Maybe I’m trying to sell things on Craigslist to make a little vacation money. These are all good things, but if I start to notice that I am too tired or irritable to enjoy my kids, then I need to look at the list again and start re-aligning my priorities so my husband and children get the best of my energy and effort.

One helpful illustration a pastor gave was about his friend who was accustomed to running on a treadmill for exercise. His friend noticed one week that he wasn’t able to get to the same distance as easily lately. At the end of the week, he realized that the treadmill had been set at a .5 degree incline. It was just .5 degrees, but it made a huge difference in what he was able to accomplish. I think life for moms is full of .5 inclines. Maybe it’s a sick child, a teething baby, a husband working long hours, a head cold, any little thing that sets the normal pace of life at a bit of an incline. Are you feeling burdened lately by what used to feel routine? Maybe there’s a .5 incline that needs to be accommodated. You may want to make life easier somewhere else for that temporary season so that you save energy for your little “blessings”.

In the past, I would look at videos from my early years with the kids and cringe. There’s the video of the boys in the bath tub with the black mold ring around the perimeter. There’s one where they are dancing and in the background there’s a pile of unfolded laundry on the chair. Every piece of furniture was handed down. Not a picture graced my walls. My hair was in a chronic pony tail. My uniform, sweatpants and Jason’s shirt. I used to look at those videos and think, “wow! were ever in survival mode!!!” And we were. But after thinking through this concept of looking at priorities I am now re-thinking those videos. They represent my (of course, inconsistent) effort to keep my priorities right. I didn’t have time or energy to decorate the house, do my hair and makeup, go to the library for mommy and me (oh my gosh, the idea of that with 3 boys under 3 makes me have palpitations even now!), or even bleach the moldy caulk in my bathtub. But we were finding time to laugh at their naked, chubby, soap covered bodies. We found time to play freeze dance. And eventually…I found time to upgrade my wardrobe to include jeans. So, if your house isn’t as clean as you’d like, or your clothing isn’t as fashionable as you’d like, or you’re not able to do pre-school basketball at the YMCA, be encouraged! You may not just be in survival mode. You may be living by your priorities!

Gospel Connection:

You know what is amazing? Jesus had .5 inclines in life here on earth! That is such good news for moms for at least two reasons. First, the creator of the universe, the all-powerful One humbled Himself and became a man who was tired, hungry, and thirsty, so that he could truly understand human frailty as our sympathetic, Great High Priest.

Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Because of Jesus, we have access to the throne of grace and can find help in our time of need. We are more aware of that need when life is at an incline. Let’s run to him for forgiveness if we have been viewing the blessings He gave us as burdens and inconveniences. Let’s run to Him for wisdom to know what needs to stay, and what we can let go of for right now. Let’s run to Him for extra strength every day, and especially on those days when the energy seemed to wear out at noon.

The second reason Jesus’ humanity is such good news for us is that He was in every respect tempted as we are, yet without sin. Jesus was dealing with seeming interruptions, antagonistic pharisees, demanding crowds, and slow-learning disciples, yet He never sinned. He perfectly obeyed the will of the Father. And what is amazing is that His record of perfect obedience has been credited to us who have placed saving faith in Him. So whether you viewed your children as the blessing they are, or whether you succumbed to the temptation to view them as burdens, your righteousness is found in the perfect performance of Another. Thank You, Jesus!

So what about you? What are the .5 inclines in your life? Where have you made accommodations to keep your priorities straight? How can you bring the truth of the incarnation, that God became a man and dwelled among us, to bear on your life today?

I really would love to hear from you. Please make this a discussion. Let’s take it to the comment box, shall we?

 

Blessings or Burdens?

The lollipops were too small. I should have known that getting my toddler twins through Target would require more than your standard dum-dum pop! Silly me. Where were the safety-pops when you needed them?!  So when blue-slobber-fingered, Caleb pointed the bouncy balls out to green-gooey-lipped Josh, an academy award worthy scene of such varied emotions ensued. There was the twins’ childish rejoicing in a whole display of bouncy balls. There was me, the nervous mom scooting past as fast as possible. There was subsequent weeping and wailing over the deep disappointment. There was anger and embarrassment over the spectacle. There was almost one year old Izzy, rudely awakened and not very happy. And — there was the audience. The stunned, judgmental, compassionate, annoyed, awe-struck audience.

I think survival mode kicked in at that point (as if giving twin toddlers lollipops at the store wasn’t survival mode, but I leave that for you to decide) because I don’t remember any of the rest of the story. Mercifully. But, I know I probably received the all too familiar question or comment from a curious stranger, “Wow, are they all yours?” or maybe it was, “Gee, you have your hands full.”  Or “How do you do it?!”

For the most part, I don’t think people are being malicious when they make these statements. I think what this attitude can reveal, however, is the underlying belief that children are more of a burden than a blessing. Having too many children is irresponsible and inconvenient. What concerns me about this mentality isn’t that it permeates society around me these days, it’s that it can permeate my own heart. In my heart I’m saying, “Wow! these are all mine!” or “Gee, I have my hands full!” or “I have no idea how I’m going to do it?!”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I view my children. How do I try to cultivate the biblical perspective? “Children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” (Psalm 127:4,5a) Particularly, how do I do this when I am a sinful mom raising sinful kids in a fallen world? It’s not just automatic like it could have been before the fall.

Heritage. Reward. Blessing. Sometimes, my heart fills with a resounding, “YES!” These kids are such undeserved and precious blessing in my life. But other times, I view them as a burden and an inconvenience. Over the next few blog posts, I want to explore the things that tend to influence each perspective.

These posts are based on a talk I did a few weeks back for a class for young moms, but like every talk I prepare for, my own heart was stirred, inspired, convicted, and challenged! I must mention that my topic was originally written in an outstanding book called, Loving My Children, by Katie Faris from our church. She is in the process of having it published right now, and I will be sure to pass along the information about the book as it comes to me.

I hope you will join me…and I really mean that. I hope you will comment away and share your own adventures in changing your perspective from “kids are a burden” to “kids are a blessing”. Let’s link arms, as well as we can via cyberspace, and determine to see the blessing our babies truly are…even when – maybe especially when- they losing their minds over bouncy balls at Target!