Generally, I won’t be your go-to girl for parenting advice. My shortcomings in mothering help confirm that if there is ever an area I should not try to “teach” about it is about how to raise children. Trust me, this isn’t false modesty.
I am so grateful for the various “go-to” folks around me, as well as those who have written insightful books or given helpful teachings on the topic. And while I am hesitant to critique parenting counsel coming from a Christian source, I find it important to be discriminating about which counsel to heed and apply. Last week I read a Q & A where the counselor answered a question concerning a chronically discontent 9 year old son (prone to grumbling, complaining, always wanting something more), by seeking to persuade the mother that returning to a better time when children had meaningful hard work was the answer to her son’s problem. There is a measure of truth here, but still – I got to thinking…
One of my children in particular sounds a bit like the son described in the Q & A. This is the child who on the way home from two hours at Chuck E. Cheese will ask if we are now going to get ice-cream. He tends to want the latest and greatest Lego ship, Bionicle, Attack-tics, etc. He gets bored, and with a built in playgroup (two brothers in his age group). It’s not that the others don’t struggle with these things, it’s just that he is amazingly persistent and vocal about it. Of course, were he to obtain the object of his desires, the novelty would be gone in mere days. My husband and I have sought to deal with this area in my son’s life by emphasizing the cultivation of contentment and gratitude. And believe me when I say that his struggles are extremely familiar to me.
But there is something else to see in my child’s heart. Maybe the fact that he isn’t easily satisfied could work to his benefit. We have heard the C.S Lewis quote that says something to the effect that the problem is that we are too easily satisfied with inferior pleasures. So a child who isn’t easily satisfied with Chuck E. Cheese, legos, etc. is perhaps better postured to see his hungry soul’s need for satisfaction in God. Perhaps this child’s capacity to worship is a bit greater than others…it’s the object of this passionate worship that must be addressed.
So as I attempt to shepherd my child’s heart through his cravings that seem insatiable, it is important that I direct Him to the all-satisfying One. If I only deal with this child’s ingratitude and discontent, I might miss the opportunity to direct his desires to be satisfied in Christ. Am I showing Him this beautiful, all-satisfying God? Am I thinking throughout the day when my heart is stirred about the character of God, to share this with my kids? I want them to see Him. I want them to behold His glory in His word, and also in the midst of life. How I long for all of my children to be captivated by the glory of God and live their lives in worship to Him. I want to pray that God will do what only He can do: open my children’s eyes to see Him, to see the all-satisfying beauty of the Savior. My heart burns for this. When I look with eyes of faith at this boy of mine, I don’t just see the discontent and ingratitude that needs to be addressed, I see the hungry heart of a future worship leader.
Laurie,
That is so helpful. My husband and I are expecting a boy and I printed out this commentary. Appreciate it.
What a great post.
I love this. not just addressing the negative and applying the gospel to overcome it…but turning it on its head and applying the gospel to use a weakness as a strength!
reminds me of wisdom from John Piper I read a few months ago. in talking about the verse in Romans 8 about our being “more than conquerors,” he explains what that means. it’s not just that God destroys our enemies. He goes a step further: He takes what satan intended for evil and uses it for good–turns our enemies on their heads so that they SERVE us, serve His purposes in making us more Christlike. by His grace we don’t just conquer the sin–we become MORE than conquerors! ]
by His grace, may your son become MORE than a conqueror when it comes to discontentment–that it would deepen his hunger for our glorious God as you long for!
Laurie,
I can’t help but interject here, not in a meddling way, but in a “I’m older, wiser, and have a little experience here” way. My son is 11 years old, and, with God’s help, we’re raising him to value his relationship with the Lord as well as teaching him to know that rewards come with hard work and sacrifice. I see so many of his contemporaries whose parents try constantly to keep them entertained, make the most elaborate birthday parties for them, enroll them in every class imaginable, etc. One mother of three that I know has a day planner book that she has to consult every night just to see where she has to be in the morning with each one. There are golf lessons, gymnastics, drama lessons, various day camps, etc. During the school year it’s even worse, because those things come at the end of the day or on week-ends! Her children are not that well behaved, and one attitude I see in them is discontent and grumpiness. We don’t home school Nick, but he does attend a small, private Christian school. He participates in sports because he loves baseball, basketball and football. But when he’s not doing that, we don’t seek avenues to fill his time. We own a business that he’s expected to help us with. He has chores here at home, and though we are perfectly able to afford everything he needs (and much that he doesn’t “need” too!), we make him use his own money to purchase those items that we feel are not necessary. For instance, he loves athletic shoes, and any that he wants that are not needed to wear everyday, or for his sports activities, then he has to buy them himself. He’s an only child, but he absolutely is not spoiled. The most vivid examples I have to illustrate this are the time he came downstairs and brought me $6.00, and asked if we could go to Wal Mart and get another T Shirt like we bought last week. He said he knew he didn’t need it, but he would like a red one too, to go with a particular pair of shorts he had. Since this was just an extra one, that was unnecessary, he wanted to pay for it himself. (I bought it for him myself, by the way) Another time we were shopping with his two cousins, and they wanted me to buy them some Lego sets. I said “No, there’s plenty to play with, including several buckets of legos.” They were persistent, saying that would keep them quiet and occupied for the rest of the afternoon. I told them they had plenty to do, and would most likely be quiet and occupied anyway, so the answer is still “no”. They begged and pleaded until finally Nick said “You guys might as well give up. That kind of stuff doesn’t work with my Mom.” I guess my point is, don’t obsess about pleasing your children. Our jobs are to take care of them, and grow them into self-reliant, God-fearing young adults. However we get there is fine, but it won’t be by indulging them, or feeling guilty about what kind of parents we are.
In faith,
C.J.
Laurie, this is great to think about. Like Amy, it reminds me of John Piper’s book, “When I Don’t Desire God: How to Fight for Joy” which I just started reading. His second chapter is about this very issue. How our desires aren’t wrong, it’s just that we often try to satisfy our desires with with the gifts of the Creator, rather than the Creator Himself, who is all-satisfying! I’ll be praying for you in this area of parenting.
Laurie,
What wonderful insight. We too have a nine year old boy who struggles in this area. I have never thought to address his longings as well as the grumbling nature in which he asks. Thanks for posting this.
Christina
It’s great to hear this from the momma…the one who “deals” w/ the constant complaining & begging day in, day out. I’m glad God, through whatever means, gave you such wonderful, God glorifying perspective on it. Often, my husband can see things through such a lens while I sit and think, “easy for you to see and say b/c you’re not dealing w/ the nagging all day long.” How’s that for bitterness?! BUT, to see you work this out and fight for this God given perspective is very encouraging to this mom of what my husband refers to as “persistent” little boys.
I was refered to your blog from my friend Catbird (www.cathy.likeafire.net). Thanks so much for these words of godly wisdom. I have 3 young girls (4, 2, 6 months.) What a great reminder to remember the eternal and their relationship with God throughout my/their daily lives and struggles. I’m planning on sharing this post with my mom and sisters.
Laurie-
Thank you for seeing (or at least looking for) what God might have for your son’s. I am so encouraged by your desire to see your sons worshiping God instead of worldly desires. I know that you and J are doing a great job (by God’s great grace) to raise your kids in a manner pleasing to HIM!!!
When I read this I thought, “I wonder what kind of boy my husband was?”, because, as an adult, I’ve often commented that I felt like he “wasn’t meant for this world”…meaning, that he understands better than most of us that THIS world is not his home, and it plays out sometimes in a vocal “discontent” with: bosses that don’t manage well, computers that constantly crash, or not being easily satisfied with the “things” we have.
Not surprisingly (as your post pointed out), he’s very in touch with his need to worship, and is a fabulous Worship Leader.
So, be encouraged that the direction that the Spirit is leading you is likely to be the very thing your son needs to foster a true heart of worship.
Thanks for the insight and for the very godly perspective on a challenging topic!
Hi, I’m Rinnie’s sister that she refered to in an earlier comment. I, too, was very encouraged by your post. I have two boys and another boy on the way. It’s so hard when they’re griping about this or that not to just tell them to stop or “get a better attitude.” I know they need some of that kind of direction, too, but thanks for the reminder that they’re actually worshipping something and we need to be aware of that and direct the object of that worship.
Laurie,
Thank you for this encouraging post. I find that we often tell kids don’t do this or don’t be like that. This is only half the equation. We need to redirect them to what is good or right. As much as we want our children to turn away from sin, we need to turn them toward something. Thank you for reminding us to redirect our children to God and our satisfaction in Him.
thanks to everyone who took the time to comment on this post. I’m glad it was encouraging.
welcome to those of you whose names I don’t recognize. i am glad you visited here
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Hi, Laurie, I am so glad to be back home. I got to read your post at Myrtle Beach but was curtailing my blog time to just 20 minutes. This post really opened my eyes.More often than not I forget that ALL of us, kids included, were made to worship. Trouble is, we fill our longings with stuff and stuff doesn’t satisfy. Your insights have built my faith rather than just caused me to sympathize with you. Thanks!